Think about how complex you are as an individual. You have your own beliefs, value systems, life experiences, views of the world, strengths, weaknesses, passions, twerks, traumas, socializations, family, culture, spirituality, love language, goals, ambitions, personality types, attachment styles, and I could go on. Getting to know all of these elements about yourself is a life long mission that takes real, conscious work. I don’t mean the kind of work like taking a personality or love language test and receiving the computer-automated results. I mean the kind of work that requires facing off with your demons, swallowing extremely difficult truths, being tested over and over again, and still never having the exact answer.
Now take all of these complexities and all of the work required in the quest to finding your Truth (with a capital T), and bring it into relationship with another conscious human being who has his own, unique combination that makes up who he is. I genuinely believe this is the hardest thing we can ever go through. I’m not talking about the type of relationship where you get to know each other, date, have small fights here and there, avoid the red flags, get married, have children, and die. I am talking about real, conscious relationships- relationships that hold one another accountable, that trigger one another’s darkest demons, relationships where you’re willing to destroy your own ego for the sake of how much you love the other person, relationships that invoke childhood traumas of abandonment, inadequacy, and pain. It’s like having two entirely different universes come together and try to understand one another, while simultaneously being on a journey of understanding oneself. These relationships are the real deal, but there is one fatal misconception: this person will complete me.
How many times have you heard a couple refer to each other as their “other half?” There is a myth that the one for you is supposed to be the missing piece that completes you. This is all a lie. Now I totally believe in having a soul mate, someone who sees and accepts you on a deeper, soul level. However, real-ationships are not two halves coming together to form one; they are two wholes who come together in union to form something even more powerful. Imagine a yin and yang sign; a relationship is not two parts coming to create one, but each individual being their own complete yin/yang. The ugly truth of this is that to indulge in the beauty of your partner’s strengths, power, and light, you must accept that they have shadows. The side that is stubborn, impatient, messy, and wounded, to name a few. This doesn’t dismiss the element of holding one another accountable to being your greatest versions, but it acknowledges the imperfections and battles we are all facing and embraces them in their entirety. That is what a conscious relationship is- sticking through the storms because you know that all storms pass and the sun never fails to shine again.
* Disclaimer *
This is not to be used as a get out of jail free card. Although naturally we all have our shadows, we are all responsible, capable, and called to do the work it takes to heal our wounds. If you are unwilling to work on yourself and expect to be loved without putting in any effort, you are living in a fantasy land. You are also not obliged to stay in a relationship that involves perpetual problems due to one’s unwillingness to heal themselves.
Conscious relationships are fucking tough, but they are worth it. There is nothing more beautiful than two wholes forming a union to share their beauty and brokenness together, to feel seen, heard, accepted and free. Freedom is not being single, freedom is being love for exactly who you are.